The Wrong Three Words
by Metagalactic
Summary: Used to be 'All of Me'.GSR. Song fic to My Immortal by Evanescence. Don't expect a happy ending. I never provide them. Angstfest!
1. Chapter 1

Genre: Angst  
Rating: Pretty low. Just hints at stuff.  
Ship: Gil Grissom/Sara Sidle  
Disclaimer: I don't own CSI or My Immortal. ;-;

* * *

**_I'm so tired of being here  
Suppressed by all my childish fears  
And if you have to leave  
I wish that you would just leave  
Cause your presence still lingers here  
And it won't leave me alone_**

"I'm just taking a break, guys, I'm not retiring." He was shocked at their responses, the outcry from Catherine, the protests from Nick and Warrick and… Sara's silence. She hadn't even looked up, pretending that the magazine she was scanning through was ground-breaking news that she absolutely had to know ASAP.

"That's what they always say, and then-"

"Nick, c'mon. You know me. I'll be back, I promise."

She'd known the day was coming. He'd leave eventually, when the tension that lit up the air like fireworks finally got through to him. He would only resist for so long, and then he would run away from it. From her. He'd been doing it a lot lately, pairing her up with Nick or Greg instead of him, the way things had been when she'd first gotten here. She had come for him, overthought his reasons, and now she couldn't leave his side.

He'd even rejected her, and she couldn't leave. She couldn't run away, like he could. The fear of losing what little, precious ground she had gained had tightened like a vice on her heart, tightening with every moment that "accidentally" occurred.

Sometimes it was a brush of their hands, or sometimes they would both reach for something at the same time and she would be stricken silent by the warmth that his big hand left over hers. Sometimes it was a hello in the hall with a gaze that lingered to long, or a collision in the hall where files went flying and they bumped heads when they dropped to grab them.

And, the rarest of all, sometimes the "accidents" were genuine, and he would smile lightly – shyly! – at her, before clearing his throat and finding something else to distract him.

**_These wounds won't seem to heal  
This pain is just too real  
There's just too much that time can not erase_**

Stabbing a pencil through the messy hairdo on the back of her head, Sara leaned against the counter, hands bracing her tall frame up by the sink. She stared blankly at the wall in front of her, the magazine that had captivated her moments ago now abandoned on an advertisement for some stupid perfume that she thought smelled like… well, something unpleasant. Her brain ached too much for her to identify the smell.

"_You know, Dr. Grissom, I don't think suits are the right choice of clothing for your line of work."_

"_Well, I'll be sure to say something to the coordinator of this whole gig, though I doubt she'd let me show up in jeans and hiking boots."_

_Laughter. Right from the beginning he had been charming, able to make her smile with the rumpled suit and child-like enthusiasm for insects that glimmered in his pale eyes as he rose, facing her. Indeed, the pressed suit was now dirty at the knees, and his tie was hanging at an awkward angle._

_Shaking her head a bit, she fought her hands to her sides, having the urge to reach out and fix the tie for him. It hadn't really been fastened right in the first place, something she had noticed while taking avid notes on every word that poured from his lips._

"_So, was it at least a good find?"_

"_Well, I suppose so. I thought that it was a beetle-" He was cut off when the jar suddenly illuminated with a yellow-ish green light, and a smile split onto a young Sara Sidle's face._

"_Dr. Grissom, that's a lightning bug."_

"_Yes, I'm aware, Miss Sidle-"_

"_Sara, please. You make me feel old."_

"_And how do you think "Dr. Grissom" makes me feel?"_

"_Educated? Important? Superior?"_

"_Well… you flatter me, but mostly old." _

More laughter, and he held out the jar to her. "You want to keep him?"

"_Oh, I ca… How do you know it's a 'he'?"_

"_Because the males are the ones that light up like that. They light up so the females can find them. Mating season." He gestured to the bush, which had been lighting up periodically. Her dark gaze followed his hand to the bush, and she gave a little smile, revealing her gapped teeth._

"_I think you'll take care of him better." She held the jar back out to him, but he didn't take it._

"_I can't take him back," he started after the jar had lit up again. "He likes you!"_

And the day that lightning bug died, she cried.

* * *

A/N: This is an extended song-fic. I'll be finishing the rest as I decide how to do it. Lemme know if you like this, please! 


	2. Chapter 2

Genre: Mas angst  
Rating: Still low  
Ship: SGR, yo.  
Disclaimer: -sigh- Still don't own My Immortal, it's bazillion themes, or CSI.  
Notes: Longer chapter here, and the second of three. I warn you; I'm sick. ;-;

* * *

**_When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears  
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears  
And I held your hand through all of these years  
But you still have all of me_**

Two weeks had gone by, and the overtime he had accumulated over the years seemed to never end. It just kept totally up to more vacation days he could take. His cell phone was turned off, and e-mails had been ignored. It was a miracle to get Grissom to pick up the phone at his house, even, and by the time it was achieved, panicked worry had set into the ex-team.

Except for Sara.

She'd just stand, staring out the window, arms folded against her too-thin stomach. She hadn't been home in four straight days, and appeared to be caving in on herself as each hour went by. Greg tried to console her, tried to get her to eat and sleep, but she'd refuse him every time.

"Sara..." He wimpered, tugging lightly on her arm. "Please, Sara, let me drive you home. You _need_ to sleep." Her shoulder bobbed, and he dropped his hand, shooting a helpless look over at Nick, who had been watching. He cleared his throat finally, walking over to her.

"If you don't let Greg take you home then I'm going to drag your ass out there, Sara. This is rediculous. _Go home!_" He spoke with more force than Greg, and the tall woman slowly turned, every year of her disappointing life reflected in the whiteness of her skin and the darkness under her eyes.

"I can't go home, Nick." She whispered slowly, and his eyebrows furrowed.

"Why?"

"I have to drive past his apartment and see his car and... know that he's hiding from m-... from us up there."

**_You used to captivate me by your resonating light  
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind  
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams  
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me_**

_"Geez, Sar, you look like you haven't slept at all since you left!"_

_A sly grin, and then, "well maybe I haven't." A bit of laughter, and a shocked expression from her friend._

_"Sara Sidle!"_

_"Oh, I'm teasing, relax. I met somebody, but we're strictly friends." She kept the regret from her tone, giving a careless shrug._

_"So... like, you guys are just gonna write?"_

_"Yes, we're gonna write to each other."_

---

_"So whatever happened with that guy yer writing to, Sar?" _

"Oh... We still talk. Once in a while." She nibbled on her bottom lip, wringing her fingers together slowly.

---

_"Wait, you're leaving?" _

"Just a few days. I'm going to go visit a friend."

---

She stepped off the plane, shuffling her feet and finally locating the envelope of information. Narrowing her dark eyes at it, she turned and headed off to her left. It took her a little over an hour to navigate the airport, and she finally came to the car that had been rented for her and left precisely where it had said in her letter. His precision never ceased to amaze her, though that was merely one thing about him that fascinated her.

Unlocking the door, she smiled at the folder left in the passenger seat. Sinking into the driver's seat, she picked up the folder and opened it; directions had been typed up for her, the one on top labelled with a big '1' in the top right-hand corner. Sliding the key into the ignition, she turned it, and headed off.

**_These wounds won't seem to heal  
This pain is just too real  
There's just too much that time can not erase_**

"Anything while you wait, Gil?"

"Ah... yeah, I'll have my usual." The waitress nodded and headed off to place his order. The usual.

"I seem to remember being told once that being predictable is no fun." Ah, but did she really understand how preditable she was? This was the second time her entrance had been made with a bit of sass, and he was beginning to assume it was her trademark.

Smiling, he turned in his chair to look up at her, pale eyes meeting intense brown.

"Very true, Miss Sidle, but it's easy to be unpredictable when not everyone knows what the predictability factor is." He countered, very aware that his choice of language was confusing and-

"Calamari and beer." She interrupted him, thin arms folding. A smug look rested on her face as he stared at her, completely at a loss. Sara allowed a beat to pass, and then she walked around the table and settled herself into the chair across from him. "The directions you gave were painfully accurate, thank you." She said idly as she lifted the menu to peer down at it.

But Dr. Grissom was still incapable of speech. How had she known exactly what 'the usual' was, having never eaten with him?

Luckily, he was saved by the waitress, who set his plate down, took Sara's order for iced tea, then scuttled off.

The conversation was mostly one-sided, and Sara had to keep herself from bursting out in laughter at how frazzled the man across from her was.

Lunch ended all too quickly, and Sara rose with reluctance. "I need to go check-in at my hotel." He just nodded as he shrugged his jacket on, and the two headed for the parking lot. They parted, and Sara located her car easily, unlocked the door and was about to get inside when a hand suddenly rested on the car, and she became very aware of someone standing next to her.

Turning, she looked up quickly, eyes wide in shock. The surprise quickly melted and she laughed at the stern, but confused look that was directed on her.

"I saw the waitress." Was her simple explaination as she batted his hand away, swung herself into the car, and started it. As she drove out of the parking lot, she stared in the rear-view at the disappearing figure of Gil Grissom, who, for the first time in his life, was completely caught off-guard.

* * *

**A/N**: Wow, this fic is confusing me. It's going how I want, just... differently. Hm. Oh, my reviewers;

**MC New York** - I fully intend on tapping into their background. That's the intention of this fic. xD

**gsrbutterfly** - Teehee. I'm sorry, dear, but the ending will be most unhappy. In fact, you'll probably find that all of my stories will be that way. I have three ideas in my head for my next fics; and all them are sad. Sorry!

**IHeartPuccini** - Thanks for the compliment, and here ya go!

**Cranky McCrankster** - Well, I'd like to thank the academy, I guess? My Immortal is a great song with a lot (a bazillion, perhaps?) of different themes. It just depends on which one you latch onto. And the ending was supposed to be corny, since it's not even an ending.

Thanks, you four. I like the mixed reactions.


	3. Chapter 3

Genre: The most angst-y yet.  
Rating: Still low. Little language, I think, but that's all.  
Ship: Well... it's not very shippy, really. Too angsty. -cackle-  
Disclaimer: I stilllll don't own anything. Well, except for the plot and the stuff that happens in this chapter. It's mine, as far as I know. Just not the characters or the song.

* * *

_**When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears  
**__**When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears  
**__**And I held your hand through all of these years  
**__**But you still have all of me**_

I didn't understand the scene in front of me, even though the logic of it was right there. I knew what was going on, I just... didn't want to know. She had promised me that her drinking problem was cleared up... had promised that she was clean. Obviously, she was not. Her hand, coated in both of our blood, fit perfectly in my own, the thin fingers all too familiar as I gripped them, trying to keep them warm. She'd always hated when her hands were cold.

"Sara, you just gotta hold on. Hold on until we get to the hospital, then everything will be okay."

His voice shook, and I knew that he was afraid. I also knew that it was because he was hurt too, but was refusing to let on so I wouldn't be scared. I don't know what made me go to his apartment after the bar. I guess the beer had me feeling cocky, and I wanted to give him a peice of my mind for just disappearing on me. I ended up yelling, and he tried to calm me down, but I was on a rampage. This man... such a brilliant man... was acting completely stupid in front of me, and for the second time in my life, I felt a raw instinct to kill.

A dozen beers made it easy for me to hurt him... and he never fought back. He didn't defend himself, apart from trying to walk away from me when I tried to find something to hit him with. Unable to find anything, I pushed him into the glass case of butterflies on the wall, and it shattered. Glass pinched at my hands as I gripped his shoulders, yelling at him, and he just stared at me, little cuts beginning to bleed on his face. By the time I finished what I wanted to say, I was crying, and he had that look on his face... the one like a kicked puppy, and for a split-second, I wanted to take it all back.

Sara had stormed out, gotten in her car, and now, she was a pile of broken bones and blood on a gurney.

_**I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone  
**__**But though you're still with me  
**__**I've been alone all along**_

Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.

It was a slow, steady noise that was really too perky for the situation at hand. It was getting slower, she knew, but as long as his chest continued to rise and fall, then she could keep panic subsided. No one was in the room but them, and there were so many words on her tongue that she wanted to spill out onto ears that she wasn't even sure would hear her confession.

She loved this man with every beat of her heart, as much as she hates cliches. No one has told her yet that this is her fault... that she pushed him into a glass case and got glass lodged in a few places that it certainly should not be. All Sara knew was that he was dying, and she had woken too late to catch him awake.

"You should have loved me," she choked out, managing to keep the water works from running down her face by sheer luck. She wanted to cry, but Grissom had seen that too much. Now... she was going to be stronger than that. Stronger than the nine year old who had been sent off to a foster home, stronger than his star student who had stared at him in complete adoration as he went on about criminalistics. He had amazed her from day one with his strength... but that strength was really a lack of feeling, and she knew that now.

"Dammit, Grissom, you should have-" Her voice broke off and she slowly looked up at the monitor. A straight line had never stricken more horror into her chest than it did the day Gil Grissom died.

---

"He loved you, Sara, you know that." Catherine had a grip on the younger woman's arm, but Sara wouldn't look at her. Couldn't look at her.

"No, Catherine, I can honestly say that I don't know." The two women fell into silence and Catherine slowly curled her arms around her.

"Look... I know that your life has been filled with disappointments. I don't know what they were, but you've never been as happy as a beautiful, young woman in love should be. Grissom-"

"Only ever pitied me. And I overanalyzed and thought that he loved me. He was too afraid to be another disappointment to just tell me the truth so he let me believe that he loved me." Pushing Catherine away, Sara grabbed her purse and pulled it up onto her shoulder.

"Where are you going, Sara? You shouldn't be alone right now-"

"Catherine, I've always been alone."

_**When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears  
**__**When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears  
**__**I held your hand through all of these years  
**__**But you still have all of me**_

_"I... I missplaced my key, and I didn't know where else to go..."_

_"It's fine, Sara. You can stay here and call in the morning. Do... you remember how many drinks you had?"_

_"I only remember one, but there was more. Other people were buying me drinks and..." She trailed off, staring down at the floor of Grissom's townhouse. "I walked here... instead of driving."_

_He smiled at her, taking hold of her elbow and leading her toward his bedroom. "Good girl. Now, you just lay down and get some sleep and we'll handle your keys in the morning." He shut the door behind him when he left the room, Sara having passed out the minute her head hit the pillow._

_Sunlight filtered in through the window, splaying across her messed up hair and pale face. Her long arms were curled tightly around the pillow beneath her head, her face half-buried in it. The blankets and sheets were wrapped and tangled around her legs, causing Grissom to smile faintly at her. Seeing her like this... so perfectly _imperfect _made him wonder..._

_Making his way over to her, he reached out with timid fingers to stroke a bit of hair from her face. The pads of his fingers traced the curve of her jaw, but he drew them away quickly, not wanting to be caught indulging himself in her vulnerability._

_Rising from the edge of the bed, he smoothed out his suit pants, blue eyes not once leaving her. There were three words he should have said... three words that would have made him feel, for the first time in ten years of knowing her, like a completed man._

_His lips parted to allow them out, but at precisely that moment, she stirred, yawned, and opened two sleepy, brown eyes. They flicked up to him and she smiled faintly._

_"Good morning, Sara."_

* * *

A/N: I really hope I don't need to explain the ending.

I will apologize, though,that this chapter took so long to get up. I got really, really sick this past Friday and couldn't walk on my own, let alone form coherant sentances to finish off this fic.

Oh, and to clear up confusion that you may have about the points of view at the beginning, it starts in Grissom's, then switches to Sara's after the line of dialogue.

Much love to my reviewers, but I think you want this up ASAP so I won't reply to them this time around.


End file.
